Do you think your sex life could be better? If so, you're probably not alone. Consider these findings:

• The landmark University of Chicago's Sex in America survey in 1992 concluded that the more sex a person has, the more likely he or she is to have a happy life and a happy relationship. Yet, the survey found that most Americans have sex only once a week, with 35% reporting frequencies of just a few times a year. The survey of 3432 adult Americans (between 18 and 59 years old) also found that 43% of women and 31% of men experience sexual problems - with low sexual desire being high on the "troubles" list.
• A Cornell University professor ran tests on 2500 couples to monitor the levels of so-called "love hormones" in their brain, and found that men and women are biologically programmed to be in love between 18 and 30 months in duration. She suggested that this time frame is nature's way of encouraging couples to meet, mate, and produce offspring, and that once the mission is accomplished, there remains no evolutionary need for all the heavy breathing and fluttering hearts.
• In 1997, Durex, a British-owned condom manufacturer, asked 1055 American men and women, as part of a worldwide survey, which they would rather choose - sex or an unlimited shopping spree on someone else's gold credit card. Half opted for the free shopping spree.

Of course, only generalizations can be made about the sex lives of millions of Americans from surveys so limited in size, but what's going on here? Have men and women lost that loving feeling?

Lou Paget, a "sexpert" and author of guides to a great sex life, has interviewed literally thousands of men and women and held numerous sex seminars over the last 6 years. Part of the problem, she says, is the "Men-are-from-Mars," "Women-are-from-Venus" thing can make it hard for members of the opposite sex to communicate - especially about SEX.

"Even though women have less cultural permission to be sexually experienced, they have more cultural permission to talk about it among their friends," Paget said in an interview. When it comes to talking about sex, she says men are generally much more private than women. The mere topic, she says, "makes their brain stop for 5 to 10 seconds."

Paget, author of the acclaimed sex guide for women, How to Be a Great Lover, has come out with her latest guide, How To Give Her Absolute Pleasure (Broadway Books, 2000).

If you believe in the "different planet theory" about the sexes, then it will probably come as no surprise to learn that men and women, generally speaking, view sex differently. Paget throws out a couple of these generalizations in Absolute Pleasure so that men might understand women better:

• Women fall in love between their ears and men through their eyes.
• Men often enjoy a fast rush to sex. Women prefer a slow buildup.
• Most men absolutely love getting a tongue kiss in the ear, but most women abhor this.
• Men tend to be visual creatures, coming alive at the mere sight of a bare breast. Women are more aural and tactile. They need to hear and to feel a man to get excited.
• Women usually know when they are going to have sex, whereas men can be surprised.
• Women usually make up their minds based on how they've been treated. And often the thing that tips the tables isn't anything you are aware of.

Absolute Pleasure is designed to make all those "New Millennium" guys out there expert lovers by divulging secrets women want men to know, but maybe can't tell them face-to-face. The book contains plenty of advice on how to bring your lover to unparalleled heights of pleasure, but it is not just about great moves or technical proficiency.

"The deepest and most satisfying sex usually comes when two people are open, honest, and respectful in their communication,'' Paget says. Once that happens, she says, "there are no bounds to the passion, spontaneity, and wonderful soul-merging sex you and your partner can experience."